Sunday, March 28, 2010

Love or Dependency...

so i'm here...that point in your life where you question all your past relationships. where you try to discover where you're going wrong or how the men you are choosing are wrong. i think i'm ready for love but, as a person who has such an extreme fear of failure...maybe not. some people search for that person that they just can't live without. that's not what i want. that isn't love to me...that's dependency. i just want that person that makes me want to spend my time and share my life with them more than anyone else. i don't want to NEED anyone...for love, for money, for security or anything else. i only want to feel that there is no one i'd rather devote my energy to...and i want them to be deserving of it. relationships that are built on dependency are unhealthy and draining.

Friday, March 26, 2010

This Is Who I Want To Be...

i want to be the kind of woman who is strong and in control of myself, my emotions, my success and a contributor to the evolvement of my culture and my gender. i want to be the kind of woman who is secure enough with myself to know that another woman's success doesn't equal my failure...the kind that can be a positive role model in the life of a young girl who needs one. i want to be the kind of woman who knows when a situation or a person isn't worth all that i have to offer...and be confident in my decision to walk away from such situations and people in order to keep the peace within myself. i want my intelligence and my character to enter the room before i'm physically present. i want to be a woman who's talents speak for themselves...i don't want people to have to wonder what makes me special, i want them to see it for themselves without the overshadowing of any negative controversy such as sex tapes and public relationships. i want to be known as a woman who is able to soldier my way through any adversity that tries to slow down or stop my progression towards greatness. i want to be a woman who refuses to allow disappointments in my past to create mental barriers in my future...i want to be a person who knows how to build a bridge and just get over sh*t so i can move forward in life. i want to be a woman who can handle constructive crticism...but not allow other people's opinions to affect my work or how i make decisions about my life. this is who i want to be.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

WHO do you want to be?

i was asked a question today. "Monique, who do you want to be?". my reply was simple..."I want to be successful and comfortable". (silence) and then...

"no sweetheart. I didn't ask WHAT you wanted to be, I asked WHO you wanted to be. WHO do you want to be known as and remembered as." well about being put on the spot. (think fast Mo)--

"ummm...can I think about it and call you back?" (nervous laugh)--

"that's exactly what I want you to do Monique. THINK about it." again...well damn.

i've always known WHAT i wanted to be. like i said, successful and comfortable. but, i've never actually thought about WHO i wanted to be...kinda left me scratching my head, because everything i came up with was fitting in the WHAT category. sh*t, this is harder than i thought and she leaves the office at's 4:17...I call her back and tell her some off the top of my head bullsh*t. She chuckles and says, "honey, i said THINK about it. sit with it. explore what i've asked you. i didn't ask you because I need to know...I asked because YOU need to know."

speechless. (working on it right now...i'll let you know how it goes) and i ask....WHO do you want to be???

Just A Thought...

As long as you're doing SOMETHING...the people who are doing NOTHING are looking for ways to stop you from doing it. It baffles me that so many of us (african americans), haven't evolved enough in life to start trying to build each other up and better ourselves as a culture. Instead, we continue to spread so much negative energy that it makes it damn near impossible for anyone to get ahead. We have to learn that another person's success doesn't equal our failure. We should be building strong relationships with people who have similar goals so that if one of us makes it, the others can follow. When we are selfish with our accomplishments we miss out on opportunities to advance.

Change Is Coming!

I'm having that urge again...the one from a few nights ago where I wanted to take a latenight breathe the fresh air and clear my mind. It's crazy the places writing can take you sometimes. The memories it brings to surface...the ideas it provokes. This is therapeutic for me. To get all these thoughts out of my head and send them somewhere. Had I known getting rid of my troubles was as easy as "publish post"...I would've started this blog years ago.

Tonight my writing takes me to my future. I'm sitting here thinking about how meeting one person has possibly changed the course of my life. Not to say I wasn't already on the right path as far as having dreams and goals, but the conversation I had with her made me realize how I let my negative energy drain me and leave me too exhausted to focus on those dreams and goals. My downfall is impatience. I expect immediate results and immediate success in everything I do and if it doesn't happen IMMEDIATELY...I don't necessarily give up, but I push those things to the side and move on to other ideas. Not productive. Recently I've been spending way too much time thinking about my past...again...not productive. This is how I know that it's time to re-invent. Sure, my past was wonderful and exciting and I'm proud of some of the accomplishments I've made but it's time for a new chapter. It's time for me to take my life to another level and use everything I've learned through my experiences...good and bad. Change is coming!

BITCH PLEASE... (vent session)

disclaimer*** I have no one in particular in mind as I write this but if you're offended then...maybe the shoe fits and you needed to hear this (love ya dolls!)

I am so disgusted by chicks who continuously point the finger and blame the men in their lives, or the men who didn't participate in their lives, for their own self-destructive behavior. The fact that your mother was a crack addict or a hoe, and that your father wasn't there does not give you a free pass to become hoes, gold diggers and negligent parents...and then use your upbringing as an excuse. It's also not an excuse to hate on the women who are doing something with their lives besides clubbin', chasin' worthless men and f*ckin' just because they don't f*uck with you (because we have better sh*t to do like raise our kids and make money). The females that are trying to improve our gender as a whole look down on you sometimes, not BECAUSE you're struggling...but because you won't get up off your ass and do anything about it. We don't look down on you because you COME from the hood...but because you won't try to get OUT of the hood...and we look down on you because you make yourself look so small when you have the intelligence, sophistication and vocabulary of a 5yr old and then label the educated females who have some class as stuck up or "trying to be white". Once again, this is not for the purpose of disrespecting any individual female but it's to bring awareness to those chicks who think they have their sh*t together just because they have their own place (which us "stuck up bougie bitches" are probably supplementing). I'm not insulting those who just need a little extra help but I'm saying don't act like the people (men and women) who have more than you owe you anything because they don't. If you or your children want or need something, it is YOUR responsibility as the "independent woman" to go get it. Our kids depend on us for every kind of support from emotional to financial so if you're walking around with your hair and nails done and a new outfit every week...I should'nt be smh when I see your kids running around outside (past a normal bedtime) with their hair not combed and too small clothes and shoes on. You can't keep complaining about the ills of society if you are doing nothing to CONTRIBUTE but adding to the census. You can't keep complaining about men "not being sh*t" if you "ain't sh*t!"...and for the record, raising babies involves more than full bellies from foodstamps, polo and nikes. They need discipline, support, encouragement and someone in their lives who is thriving so they know how to express themselves effectively and break the cycle of "not sh*tness" in our culture....period.

Somebody call the 90's and tell them I want my hip-hop back!!!

In today's generation of five star b*tches who can make your bed rock and get you wasted like the white boys...I ask...where the hell is real music? The hip-hop era of the 90's will never be duplicated or surpassed. There will never be another Hard Knock Life Tour (lived it firsthand...damn what an incredible story), no more Reasonable Doubt, Illmatic, Ready to Die....period...and while some of the rappers of that time are still around and still providing us with at least "decent" material, the passion that they and we all had for hip hop during that era is over. Too many things have changed in the music game. Beef is no longer just punchline rhymes and mixtapes. It now spills into the streets as brawls, shootouts, stabbings and personal attacks against the loved ones of the two people involved. And what are they beefin' for? Because they disagree on who's the better MC??? because someone has gone commercial? because someone can't sell records unless they are somehow linked to a hot artist, so you start a beef that can end in them losing their lives??? F*ckin' ridiculous! If this generation of rap artists spent more time in the studio instead of in the streets making DVD's to talk about another n*gga (giving them free publicity), then maybe we'd hear more lyrical creativity on the albums that we download....yeah, another thing that has f*ucked up the music game. This digital era has taken away from promotion, record sales, the anticipation of new music. Promotion budgets have been cut in half because we now depend so much on digital media and online networking to get the word out...but apparently it's not working as record sales have also been cut in half. There was a time when music made you feel good, made you wanna party and sip champagne but now beyond f*ckin' and drinkin', today's music just makes me want to turn off the damn radio and get out my old CD's... (to be continued)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

What I Was Told...

I just wanna go for a latenight breathe the fresh clear my mind. In the last few weeks I've been so many places emotionally that I was afraid I was losing my mind. One five hour conversation and alot of tears changed that. I was told to stop being afraid of myself, to stop expecting everything to have a perfect ending and to close some doors...but open some windows. I was told to stop being angry when people disappoint me because...they're just people and that's what they do sometimes...that I am to take those disappointments as a teaching experience. I was told to stop trying to be everybody's everything...that I'm not superwoman and I can't do everything at one time...that the quality of the things I accomplish in life is far more important and memorable than the quantity of things that I attempt but leave unfinished (damn). In that conversation I was told that beautiful people like me can go anywhere they want in life...but we have to work 10 times harder to prove that our worth stretches beyond our hips and pretty eyes and smiles. I was told that saying hateful things to people I care about is weak and unwomanly and it lessens my intelligence (again...damn). I was told that people aren't clay or playdough and that I can't shape and mold them to my liking...and I was told that a tantrum will get me nowhere and it's an unsophisticated act for a woman of my intelligence who knows very well how to "use my words" and articulately express myself, my wants and needs...(ok, now i'm feeling this small)...I was told to stop trying to make up my own rules to situations and expecting everyone else to follow them...that I can't be in charge of anyone but myself and that little guy I brought into the world (tears) be continued


so today we talked. not argued, but talked. it was my attempt to prove my personal growth and my newfound grown woman-ness (i know that's not a word but this is MY we talked about our goals...individual goals...i skipped all the usual "i wonder who you've been with" thoughts and kept it pretty simple, sneaking in an occasional "are we gonna try this again". it's funny how sometimes the stronger we think we are, the weaker we portray ourselves to be. i showed my strength this time by apologizing. i apologized for being in a bad place with myself and trying to bring him with me. i apologized for pretending i was so tough and making him feel made me feel like i'd reached a new point within myself. i was taking responsibility for myself, my attitude and my behavior. i thanked him for making me take a hard look at myself and evaluating my internal issues that i've tried so hard to mask for so long. for once in a long time, he said something so sweet that i really felt ashamed for all the times i'd cursed him and told him i hated him. i wish there was a reset button so that when you f*ck something up beyond can start over. there are so many times when i could have used that in my life...relationships, family, friendships, opportunities, oooh the list goes on. sometimes i just wanna scream out f*****ck! why did i do that? but almost's too late. however, this time i think is different. though i don't ever see us walking hand in hand into the sunset for our happily ever after...i do see a special bond between us that has not been easily broken and maybe the cracked pieces of it can be restored. i'm just gonna hit my imaginary reset button and see what happens.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Men's "Friend"...

so let me break this down to any men who don't already know this. when I meet you and we go through all the initial initiation questions (what do you do?, where do you live?, how many kids do you have?, etc...), I would have to say that yes that is the appropriate time to state the facts about any wives, girlfriends, crazy baby mommas, f*ckbuddies, boos, sidepieces and oh yeah...the infamous "friend". I hate when I meet a guy who claims to be single but then throws in the "I have a friend"....and then wants you to pat him on the back and kiss his cheek for being an "honest guy"...and expect you to trust him. laughable...yeah, you might be honest about telling me about your "friend" (and more than likely because the bitch is psycho and you're just trying to put me on point) but c'mon man seriously??? if you have a "friend" that's worthy enough for you to tell me about her are you doing in MY face? and as far as you being honest goes, I'm quite sure you didn't run home and tell "friend" that you just got my number or repeat all that slick sh*t you were whisperin' in my ear...just sayin' fellas


hmmm...those words seem so relevant to my life right now. don't let me get me...translation: don't let me f*ck my own life up by getting in my own way. it's funny now, to think about where I was 10-12yrs ago. cool industry job that any chick in her 20's would kill for, celebrity friends, free vacations, several "15 minutes" of fame, a size 5 frame, a bestie I couldn't do anything without and not a care in the world. then the tide shifted...the industry changed, people changed, money changed, baby came and with that...suddenly my whole life changed.



ummm...yeah, sooo...if this is the way you feel about your current relationship/friendship/f*ckbuddyship or any other sh*t, I mean "ship" you're's clearly time to ABANDON SHIP. when the person that you spend a majority of your day thinking about isn't thinking about you or isn't making you feel whatever special feeling he made you feel when everything was peachy, it's definitely time to put the situation on the board for review. when things change so drastically that you forget that you have limits and standards and sh*t that you just don't put up with...pack your feelings and any other things of yours and get gone! so many times we stay in situations for the wrong, we don't want anybody else to have him, money, status...yeah, the list of wrong reasons could go on forever. we as a naturally nurturing species devote all our "energy" to others sometimes without fully evaluating a person to see if they're actually worth so much...then when we find out they're not worth it we feel all used up and stupid for being so naive. we blame the other person for taking advantage of us when the real blame should be placed on our own shoulders for ALLOWING a person who was nothing more than a taker to begin with, get so close to us...

Female "Foe"ship...

Friendship. Not a word I've ever taken lightly or used loosely. It takes alot for me to consider someone a friend...but once I do, that's exactly what I am. As a female in this generation I've come to realize that most women my age must never have been taught the meaning of friendship or had someone school them to the rules of it. So many times females call themselves friends to another female but in the same conversation will talk sh*t about that female. The bond with "your girls" should be sacred. You should be able to get together for coffee, a meal or a drink...vent about some things, share some goals, dish about your relationships or families and not have it broadcasted around town for people who don't know the whole story, to be able to judge you. So many times I hear someone say, "don't say anything because she told me not to tell anybody"...just as they're about to tell their "friend's" secrets that they swore was "just between them". That's not a friend. When you see your "friend" in a bad situation...say, an abusive relationship or an addiction issue or a jacked up financial a friend, it's not your job to sit and listen to her troubles just so you can run and tell all your girl's business to everybody else and talk down about her or judge her for her mistakes. As a friend your job is to listen, offer advice and assistance in any way you motivate them, inspire them and troubleshoot with them to find a better way. When you have a friend who has dreams and goals (no matter how unrealistic you think they may be) as a friend, you don't shoot those dreams and goals down or discourage her...again, your job is to motivate and inspire...and if she so happens to achieve the things she set out to do...if you feel any sense of jealousy at all instead of being proud and inspired by her seriously need to re-evaluate yourself as a friend. How many times have we disliked our friend's mates??? Nothing wrong with that and you don't have to like them, but if that's who she's decided is the one for her and she's happy...even if she's not's not up to you as a friend to go outside of your friendship and say anything about that person or that relationship. As a friend, it's ok to give your opinion and even tell her that you don't like who she's with. But as a friend, you also have to respect the fact that she makes her own decisions and no matter how many times you tell somebody else that your friend is dumb or stupid for putting up with whatever it is she's putting up the end of the's not your battle to win (and that's a whole 'nother blog). I'm just saying all this beause as women I think we have enough "haters" and "sh*t talkers" around, that we don't need all that drama and he say/she say in our own circles. I don't care if you've known a chick forever...if she constantly displays acts of haterism...get rid of her. Tighten your circle and KNOW (don't guess, but KNOW) who your real friends are because regardless of how independent and self-serving we are...everybody needs a good friend. thanx for listening dolls!


AS I WORK STEADILY ON BETTERING MYSELF, I WRITE DOWN ALOT OF PLANS AND GOALS FOR MYSELF...JUST THOUGHT I'D SHARE THIS ONE. IT MAY INSPIRE YOU :-) goal as a mother is to do the very best I can to guide, protect, teach, nurture and provide for my child. to expose him to more than the neighborhood playground and chuck e. cheese; to make him feel comfortable coming to me with any issues that arise throughout his life no matter what they are; to make him feel supported and loved unconditionally; to give him structure and morals as he grows into a young man who will have his own roles to fulfill; i'll leave teaching him how to be a the men in his life

Mo Randomness...

sooo...yeah. clearly i'm at a different place in my life right now. all the "girl gone wild" out of my system, my devotion to clubbin' and bad boys...pretty much done as well. so now comes the moment when I sit alone in my one bedroom condo with my necessary glass of moscato, my notebook and my random ass thoughts. somehow, I've always thought that by the time I reached 30 I'd have it all figured out...have my shit not the case. instead I'm sitting there with a list of things I NEED to accomplish, bills I NEED to pay and a head full of missed opportunities and failed attempts at being responsible. I realize that I am all the things that in my "so incredible glory years" from 17-21, I swore I'd never be....damn.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

random thoughts...

sometimes you have to just give up or let go of things that mean alot to you, in order to regroup and bring yourself back to center. when certain lines are drawn...and then crossed, it sometimes makes it impossible for things to go back to where they were when everything was so good. sometimes you need to ask yourself how much a person or a situation is worth to much energy, how much sacrifice and how many pieces of yourself are you willing to lose for the sake of something that holds no promise for the future.