Well...hmmm...let me just say that, this song puts me in a clusterf*ck of emotions. I might blog about it...might not. For now, I'll just let the music play.

The Eternal "Boyfriend"

What is this f*ckery?? How many years, how many babies and how many break-up/make-up sessions are reasonable before just realizing that whatever situation you're in with whatever person...is pointless?!? When is it time for an "advancement" of position or relationship status and how do you go about approaching the other person and letting them know that you've earned a promotion in their lives? Some people may see this as pressuring the other person...I see it as knowing where you stand...and if you've been with someone for 5 or 10 years and your still not STANDING at somebody's alter, then where do you go from there? Of course I know that marraige isn't for everyone, but for the women and men who want that...how long do you wait? I think the conversation needs to take place as soon as you know that you are past the "friend" stage. Expectations about what level you plan to take the relationship should be established at the very beginning to make sure that both planes are taking off at the same time and going to the same place. You can't depend on the other person to know your expectations or to know when you want more from the situation than what it is. You have to communicate effectively so that everybody's on the same page. And while some people may be ok with the "eternal lover", if you know that you want something more you need to speak up and if the outcome is not what you hoped for or what you "expected"...then you know where you stand and it's time to make a decision based on where you are versus where you want to be.

I Think I'm Ready

So maybe it's time. Time that I sit down and ask myself some important questions about my life. I'm now at an age where things that never really mattered to me before seem to take over my thoughts. I'll start with relationships. I've been in some situations and have seen some other people's situations that have hardened me a little when it comes to relationships. At 30, I've lost my patience and tolerance for alot of the bullsh*t that goes on when I'm dealing with a person who isn't on the same page as I am mentally. I don't have time to figure people out and play a bunch of guessing games when it comes to certain things like feelings and emotions...sometimes I feel like I'm communicating with children instead of grown ass men. I mean, is it too much to ask for someone to just SAY how they feel?? Not text me, facebook me, tweet me or expect me to just read your mind. I find myself being tough and cold at times because I'm trying to protect myself from the devastation of a broken heart...but lately, I also find myself missing the closeness of a real relationship and having someone to confide in and really bonding and building with someone on a deeper level other than good conversation and sex. I feel that maybe I'm ready now because I've experienced some things and I've grown to understand some things about men and about myself that I had no clue about when I was in my past relationships. I realize that opening up too wide and giving too much too fast is dangerous and unhealthy for the soul. You have to make people earn a position in your life before you trust them with your feelings and expose all your insecurities to them beacause the wrong person will take them and use them to their advantage. I've also learned that a partnership is about 2 people and you have to be willing to compromise in situations where no one can win. I've learned many other things, but I think the most important thing I've learned is that I can't change anyone but myself...that I also can't expect anything in return but what I give. Yeah, I think I'm ready...we'll see though

Let It Ring...

It's funny how one phonecall can ruin your day and send you into a tailspin...how feelings you thought you had overcome or at least put aside for the time being,can come back and light your emotions on fire. My original plan today was to turn my phone off in order to get some peace and concentration...good idea!...turning it back on...bad idea. Sh*t. I should've just let it ring. Now I'm feeling weak because once again I've allowed someone to make me lose control of myself. Sometimes it's easier said than done to detach your emotions from the actions of people who are less willing to grow. Sometimes it's easier to lose control than it is to just...let go. I've grown alot in the past few months in terms of how I deal with certain feelings and how I react to people or situations, but today I found myself back in a familiar place that almost made me forget who I'm trying so hard NOT to be. I tried hard not to let that phonecall ruin my day and even though the entire day wasn't totally lost, I was consumed with frustration...more at myself than the other person. I was more frustrated with myself because I know better. You can't depend on another human being not to disappoint you or to think of your feelings before they think of themselves. Next time i'll just let it ring.

Reset...

so today we talked. not argued, but talked. it was my attempt to prove my personal growth and my newfound grown woman-ness (i know that's not a word but this is MY blog...lol). we talked about our goals...individual goals...i skipped all the usual "i wonder who you've been with" thoughts and kept it pretty simple, sneaking in an occasional "are we gonna try this again". it's funny how sometimes the stronger we think we are, the weaker we portray ourselves to be. i showed my strength this time by apologizing. i apologized for being in a bad place with myself and trying to bring him with me. i apologized for pretending i was so tough and making him feel disrespected...it made me feel like i'd reached a new point within myself. i was taking responsibility for myself, my attitude and my behavior. i thanked him for making me take a hard look at myself and evaluating my internal issues that i've tried so hard to mask for so long. for once in a long time, he said something so sweet that i really felt ashamed for all the times i'd cursed him and told him i hated him. i wish there was a reset button so that when you f*ck something up beyond repair...you can start over. there are so many times when i could have used that in my life...relationships, family, friendships, opportunities, oooh the list goes on. sometimes i just wanna scream out f*****ck! why did i do that? but almost always...it's too late. however, this time i think is different. though i don't ever see us walking hand in hand into the sunset for our happily ever after...i do see a special bond between us that has not been easily broken and maybe the cracked pieces of it can be restored. i'm just gonna hit my imaginary reset button and see what happens.

Energy

"THIS LOVE HAS TAKEN ALL OF MY ENERGY"--KERI HILSON



ummm...yeah, sooo...if this is the way you feel about your current relationship/friendship/f*ckbuddyship or any other sh*t, I mean "ship" you're in...it's clearly time to ABANDON SHIP. when the person that you spend a majority of your day thinking about isn't thinking about you or isn't making you feel whatever special feeling he made you feel when everything was peachy, it's definitely time to put the situation on the board for review. when things change so drastically that you forget that you have limits and standards and sh*t that you just don't put up with...pack your feelings and any other things of yours and get gone! so many times we stay in situations for the wrong reasons...security, we don't want anybody else to have him, money, status...yeah, the list of wrong reasons could go on forever. we as a naturally nurturing species devote all our "energy" to others sometimes without fully evaluating a person to see if they're actually worth so much...then when we find out they're not worth it we feel all used up and stupid for being so naive. we blame the other person for taking advantage of us when the real blame should be placed on our own shoulders for ALLOWING a person who was nothing more than a taker to begin with, get so close to us...