Letting Go Of "Friends"

There comes a time in our lives when we should no longer tolerate certain types of people in our circle. Finding out who our true friends are is all a part of growing up and crossing over from child to adulthood. When we're young and just starting out in the world on our own without our parents telling us who to be or who not to be friends with, it's so easy to trust and believe that everyone who wants to be your friend wants to do so because they are genuine. As we get older we learn that there are a large number of people who have their own motives. We learn that the people that call themselves our friends aren't always who they claim to be. My question is...if you've been "friends" with a person your whole life but you one day wake up and realize that the friendship is not healthy or positive in any way and only one of you is benefiting from it...do you end it?

Summer Of My Life...

Hey dolls! I know I've been gone for a minute...but I'm back! I'm so excited for summer and all the new projects that I'm working on. I've been keeping them a secret...just in case they don't work out, I won't feel so bad. lol. One project that I will share with you guys is "The Summer Of My Life" project. This will be a new blog that will chronicle the events of my summer. I'll share pictures as well as the activities, vacations and any other happenings during my summer. I'm also involved in a movement called the "Murder Free Summer", with a friend of mine in my hometown of Annapolis and so I'll also be sharing the events and progress of that project with everyone. I'm hoping this will actually BE the summer of my life! I have alot planned for me and my son and I'm hoping it all works out. As my other projects start coming together more I'll share them as well. Stay tuned...

The Quality Of Our Children's Lives Is Declining

A direct result of this recession is that the quality of our children's lives is rapidly declining. There are approximately 15.6 million children living at or below the poverty line and as many as 500,000 children that are homeless right here in the United States. The increase of families in which neither parent has secure employment is steadily rising. There are also as many children living in households who don't have access to safe or nutritious foods. From 2007 to 2010 there has been an increase of about 750,000 children who are living in food-insecure households, which has a direct effect on their learning ability. Community engagement is also declining with cut backs of programs and the reduction of the employment of teachers...leaving children who are living in poor, chaotic homes with no outside resources. A report by the private philanthropy foundation of child development says that the effects of the decrease in our family economics will have a direct impact on the deterioration in our children's academic performance which will subsequently impact careers and ability to compete in the workforce when they get older. wow.

Teaching Your Children About Finances

We need to teach our children about the value and importance of not just knowing how to MAKE money, but also how to save and invest for their futures. They need to learn about the consequences of living beyond their means, living paycheck to paycheck and stacking debt on top of debt. Our children need to know how having the latest air jordans, the newest electronic gadget and the trendiest wardrobe is of little importance when they aren't educated, can't pay their bills or take care of a family. We need to make sure that our children are taught the lessons of money whether you have any or not. If you DON"T have any, then you need to share with your children your mistakes and provide resources for them to learn the things that no one taught YOU about finances. The future generation needs to know that are many other ways to become wealthy besides sports, music and television. As parents it is our responsibility to ensure that our children are knowledgeable about the opportunities that are available to them when they are educated and smart about their money.

Are You Bringing Something Equal To The Table?

People spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about what their potential suitor should bring to the table. He/She must have a car, a job, a home, good credit, etc...but let's be honest here. When we're seeking partners who bring so much to the table, are we being fair when it comes to what WE have to offer? It's not fair, nor wise, for you to demand that a person be able to do xy and z for you, if when necessary you yourself are ill equipped to return the favor. As women we want men in our lives who can be good role models for our children but I must admit that in the past I've rarely thought about what kind of example or impression I would make on a man's children. We don't spend enough time with ourselves. We spend more time thinking about our wish list of man qualities than we do preparing ourselves to be able to add something significant to a union. We worry less about what someone can offer us spiritually and emotionally than we do about finances and physical attributes. How can you place an expectation on someone else to own their own home, if you don't own one? How can you insist on someone being able to provide for a family, if you can't? We need to think about what else we gain when we seek out partners who are a shelf higher than we are. We gain a dependency that is unhealthy for a relationship because we have to constantly look to that person for what we are lacking. All I'm saying is...make sure you have your own sh*t together before you go demanding that another person has to fill such requirements in order to be a part of your life. Other than that...think about what you can add to another person's life before you inole yourself in it. Have a healthy relationship with YOU first!

Who's REALLY The Dominant Sex???

Ok, so I've been thinking. In so many cultures and societies men have been seen as the dominant sex. I beg to differ. Physically, men may have one up on us delicate daisies...but if you take an honest look at the lives of men and women you may see things a little different when it comes to emotional strength. Because women have always been viewed as the weaker sex, we've had to endure circumstances and battles that most men wouldn't be able to. The job of nurturing, guiding and baring children takes the strength of 1000 men but is frequently left resting on the shoulders of only one woman. We often are forced to take on the roles of men when it comes to raising our children whether the men are absent by choice, by incarceration or because they are off in another land fighting another man's war. We've had to fight for the rights of decisions we make involving our own bodies, we've had to fight to be able to participate in decision making that effects not only men, but the entire world. We've had to pull strength from unknown places to heal and comfort the men in our lives when they are broken or unable to achieve. Women are who they look to for support when they can't take pain whether it be a mother, a grandmother, an aunt or any other woman who has been a source of strength in their lives...you don't see them crying on their "homeboy's" shoulder. In the new generation of "anything you can do, I can do too", women have proven that they can take on the complicated responsibilites of being a "decent" woman in society as well as fight wars, be the main financial provider for her family, raise a family alone and share the emotional burdens of the men in her life.

The Girlfriend Of A Hustler's Secret...

Money...and fear keep her secrets from turning into indictments. So what he ripped and bleached her clothes. He'll buy her new ones. So what he pulled her hair from her scalp. He'll buy her some new hair. So what he has babies, claimed and unclaimed, all over the city. She doesn't want anymore of his babies and he'll pay for as many abortions as she needs. She may think that all her secrets are safe within her her but her friends know what he's about. Hell, some have even dated or slept with him themselves...and that's no secret. They know his phone didn't lose service or die lastnight when she was calling for hours, back to back to back to back. Her girls know that his boy didn't borrow his car and have it parked in front of the hotel...or his ex-girl's house. Everybody knows...but she pretends she doesn't. Her secrets are embarassing and humiliating to her so she covers them up. She plays stupid, buys alot of sh*t with his money to help heal her emotional scars, she drives around in his cars making sure everyone sees her...to convince HERSELF of her position in his life. She shows up at every court date to prove that she's the one who will be by his side no matter what...even though she sees familiar female faces in the crowd. Her friends know she has plenty of jewelry, bags, boots, shoes and clothes. But, the secret is all the ass whippings she had to endure to earn those apologetic shopping sprees. They don't know how many secrets she keeps for him to keep him out of prison and to keep his gun from discharging in the side of her head...yup...plenty of secrets

The Celebrity Girlfriend's Secret...

She hides. She hides the pain of an unhappy home behind Chanel shades, mac make-up and diamond apologies. She uses her status as his "main chick" to lick her wounds, although publicly he's "single" and she is not to reveal otherwise...that's her first secret. She says the sun from all the tropical vacations he takes her on will dry her tears. For her friends who envy her lifestyle, she paints a near perfect picture of their life together. They can see the house, the money and the cars and yes it all looks glamorous...from the outside. But inside there are secrets. She tells her friends how wonderful life is and how she has everything she's ever wanted--but she leaves out some sh*t. Like, the groupies and other random chicks that are bold enough to call the house or show up at the games and sit close enough for her to hear their snickering and comments about "her man" or how those thirsty bitches wait in the parking lot after the games just long enough for her to wonder who they are and who they're there for. She doesn't tell anyone that she's lonely for weeks at a time while he's on the road and how he sometimes doesn't even bother to call. And, if it wasn't for sportscenter she wouldn't know if he was dead or alive because she hasn't heard from him...at all...for weeks. She also doesn't tell her friends who envy her life, about all the latenight arguments when he calls her a whore and tells her she's just like the groupies...then storms out of the house to go spend the night with one. She doesn't discuss how many dishes have been broken against the wall, how many times she's threatened to leave and he hasn't contested but instead told her how easy it is to replace her. The kind of man he is when the cameras, the sports reporters and the fans aren't watching...is the biggest secret she keeps of all, besides herself. Yeah...lots of secrets. Like, the time she tried to leave and he threw her car keys in the pool and tackled her to the ground...to be continued

Cover-Girl (secrets of abused women)

Abusive relationships are ugly. They take things away from us. You don't have to be physically attacked to be beaten down...words and actions can have the same effect as a smack to the face or a hand around your throat. An abused woman is the best keeper of secrets you will ever know. These are some of their secrets...

Question from reader: What do you do when a person has you confused about the relationship and you feel like you're wasting your time?

Advice:

As hard as it may be, sometimes it's best to just severe ties with people who leave you deeply confused about your relationship. Although people may use "words" that say they care or love you, if they're not "showing" you...you may be missing a painfully clear sign that their attention is elsewhere or...they're just not that into you. Therefore, they no longer deserve all the special attention you've been giving them and so if it fades away...so be it. It just means that once again that person isn't the one for you, but you shouldn't look at the time you've spent with them as wasted but as preparation and conditioning for the next situation. Spend this time focusing on areas of your life that need special attention like your kids, your home, your career and most importantly YOURSELF. Use the time and energy that you feel you're wasting, to build yourself up and the things and people around you that NEED that time and energy. Work on re-inventing yourself stronger and more secure than before. Keep yourself occupied and productive. Enjoy yourself, your friends and your family. Rediscover a time when you were happy and in control of yourself and figure out how to bring it back! Good Luck!

My Everyday Life (entry 1)

So, today began as all my "normal" work days have been in recent weeks...by waking up exhausted, irritable and once again unprepared. My plan the night before was to straighten up after dinner, iron some clothes (I used to iron for the entire week on sunday nights), do a load of laundry and get in bed a decent hour (and actually fall asleep). Instead, I ended up watching a movie, doing some writing and not falling asleep until around 2am.

I hit the snooze button in the morning way too many times knowing I had so much to do not only for myself but I also hadn't ironed my son's clothes yet or decided on what to make him for breakfast. I made a mad dash out of the house about 15 munites later than I should be leaving so I didn't have time to stop and get my white mocha...which I knew I so desperately needed on a morning like this. blah.

I got to work feeling and I'm sure looking like I hadn't gotten any sleep and completely out of sorts. I made it through the day (irritable and all)and managed to get home, take a nap, cook dinner (bbq chicken, rice and mixed veggies) and then make it back to work for some OT. It was a looooong day that dragged on and on but I made it. I am making a plan as we speak to make sure that Monday will not be a repeat of today! Enjoy the weekend. It's supposed to rain here so maybe I'll get some things accomplished around the house and be at least a little better organized and prepared by the start of the new week.

New Layer Of The Pink Ink (My Everyday Life)

What's the first thought that comes to your mind when it's time to get up and go to work in the morning? I know my first thought and first spoken words every morning are, sh*t sh*t sh*t. Not because I hate my job but because I'm just not really a morning person and despite my obsession with being organized and prepared...lately I've been neither of those things. I've always had a set routine that included getting out of the house on time, stopping for coffee and getting to work at least 15 minutes early, but recently I've just been feeling a bit overwhelmed and just downright agitated and drained so my wonderful routine has gone to sh*t. However...I am committed to getting back on track. For the past month or so I've gotten really busy and involved in so many different projects that I've kind of just slacked off when it comes to my normal everyday stuff and if I notice that I'm not performing at 100%, then I'm sure other people have noticed it too. So with that being said, this new layer to The Pink Ink will be my "log of progress". In this section I'll blog about my goals for the week, the new healthy habits I'm trying to develop like eating better, excercising on a regular basis and getting back the flow of my weekly routine. I'm hoping maybe this will be helpful and inspiring to others as well but this section is really more for me to track my progress as I get my life back in order and improve some things. Hope you enjoy!

I'm Who I Am...You're Who You Are

It is so unfair to try to change another person. Not only is it unfair, but it's also almost always impossible. If the person was good enough to begin a friendship or relationship with, why would you try to force them to be someone else?

I Remember...The Football Player, Vomit In My Hair and Cops

I remember laying in his bed...every few minutes looking at the clock because it was after 1:30am and this mf still wasn't home. Then my cell rings. I remember him slurring the words, "baby where you at?"...wtf...I remember telling the fool that I was still at his house where he'd left me when it was still daylight outside. He laughed. I didn't. He asked me if I could please come get him from the club because he was too drunk to drive home. Again, wtf! I said ok and headed out.

When I get to the club this jackass is LAYING on the hood of a police car grinning with a damn toothpick in his mouth...WHAT THE F*CK!!! The cop told me that he told him to call someone to get him so that he didn't have to pull him over. I thanked him and told "Mr. Champagne Guzzler" to come get in my car so I could take him home. I remember him telling me to park my car and get in his because he didn't want to leave his truck. Now I'M laughing and thinking this (N word) must be crazy! ...then he tells me he CAN'T leave his truck and if something happened to mine he'd buy me a new one. So I left it.

Fast forward to the ride back to his house. On the beltway and I remember him gagging and wretching. I asked him if he needed me to pull over because I knew he was going to throw up. He said no. Then he put the window down and stuck his head out. Again, "do you need me to pull over?"
"Nope. Just get to the house."
The next memory I have is this mf'er vomiting out the window and vomit blowing back in the truck...in my f**king hair! I then remember slamming on breaks (in the middle of the beltway) and screaming at the top of my lungs...no words, just screaming. I stopped the truck so suddenly and screamed so loud that I scared him. I remember him taking off his black button-down Armani shirt and trying to wipe the vomit out of my hair for me. I smashed the accelerator (which also scared the sh*t out of him) and finally made it to the house...where his drunk ass vomited again...all over the inside of the passenger door and in the driveway. I left him in the driveway on his knees and ran straight in the house so that I could take a shower and wash my hair. I was glad I had his keys and didn't have to wait on him...pause...I get in the house and the alarm is beeping for me to enter the code. Nice. I don't live there so I don't know the damn code, but luckily he's up off his knees and now laying in the doorway so i tell him to put the code in or give it to me so I can put it in...pause again...This (N word) is so f**ked up that he can't even remember the code to his own alarm! Again..nice...now the alarm is going off...LOUD. Dumbass is now asleep (still in the doorway...feet outside, head inside) and the alarm is blaring. The phone is also riinging and now...the cops are there. Remember I'm dealing with all this nonsense...with my hair still wet and smelling of vomit.

Short story...me and nice cop #2 woke him up long enough to talk to the security company on the phone. Fortunately for him the cop was a big fan and recognized him. I finally got to wash my hair (with him kneeling in front of the toilet and then falling asleep on the bathroom floor). I left him in the bathroom (cut the lights off and everything) and went to bed. It was about 4am. I set the alarm so that I could wake him up in the morning for practice. I remember getting up when I heard the alarm and was shocked...this mf'er was already up and dressed. Guess he didn't want that fine for being late. smh. So many more stories of him so for future reference we'll just refer to him as "Mr. NFL"...lol

The "I Remember" Series...

The "I Remember" series is the most personal part of The Pink Ink Blog. It describes a series of different memories throughout my life. Some are funny, some are sad, some are very random but they all are important and personal to me. At times I may only tell part of a story, other times you'll get the entire picture. Hope you enjoy!

I Remember...The Night Gino Died

I remember reading the text...way before texting was so popular. I remember not being able to process what it said and not being able to cry...because I couldn't process it. I remember a few hours later sitting in my car in front of my house reading the text again...and again...and again. I remember an excessive amount of calls breaking through my phone as I was reading the text...again...and again...and again. A friend of his showed up at my house. I remember him explaining all the details that he knew but still...couldn't process it. Still couldn't cry. I watched some tv, read a few chapters of a book, ignored my phone which had vibrated so much that it had fallen on the floor and then I went to sleep.

The next memory I have is 3am...I remember getting up to use the bathroom and then...devastation. I started to cry and I couldn't pull it together. I stayed in the bathroom...crying...for over an hour. I had now totally processed what had happened. Gino was dead. I went to my phone and went through my call log. I had spoken to him at 9:03am that morning. He had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted me to come see him at his mom's. I said, "I'll come by later". Later was too late. I checked my voicemail, skipping through all the "Mo, I'm so sorry"..."Mo, what happened?"..."Are you ok?"...etc. I was looking for the last message he'd left me saying to call him, it was an emergency. I remembered that I'd gotten the message but I'd never called him back. The message was gone...it had been over a month ago. I cried some more. Then I went back to that state of not being able to process it again...to be continued

Who Is More Important?

How important are you to yourself? How important is your own happiness versus someone else's happiness and satisfaction? Before you answer these questions you should think about some things. You should think about the kinds of people you let into your life, what kinds of friends you have and how many times you have done something that has made you unhappy or uncomfortable just to please someone else, or how many times you've "stuck it out" in a situation that was unrewarding and draining just because the situation or the person involved in the situation was familiar and/or an important piece of who you are. Once you answer those questions then you should be better able to answer the first two questions and you may discover that you are not as important to yourself as you think you are and that you are constantly putting other people's happiness before your own. Not good. I know that this gets you nowhere in life because when you use up all your energy trying to be somebody's everything, somebody's vision of perfection or trying to change someone to fit into your own vision of perfection--you have no energy left to do the things that would make your own life easy and enjoyable. You can't always take on the weight of the world and then expect people to return the favor or even just appreciate your effort...that's just not the way the world works. When you constantly give give give, even when you have nothing left to give people expect for you to keep on giving because that is your role in THEIR lives. But in order to keep your sanity you need to give UP the idea that everyone in your life will one day get it together and realize that you have your own life, your own issues to deal with and your own dilemnas to face. What you need to start doing is making it a point to just refuse people sometimes...take time for you, even if it's just to sit and do nothing...at least you're sitting and doing for YOURSELF and not using all your time and energy to cater to someone else. There's nothing wrong with being a caring person and having a big heart, but the problem is when you neglect yourself or your small children or when you abandon your own dreams and goals to help others follow through with their dreams and goals. Your not being fair to yourself. This is just something to think about.

Enough Is Enough!

You're fed up. You're crying. You're wishing ill fate. You're waiting by the phone. You're pissed off because it's not ringing...or if it is ringing, it's not him. You're thinking of all the time, devotion, trust, love and whatever else you've put into this person. smh. Been there, done that, realized the errors of my ways. As young women who have so many roles to play in our lives and so much weight to carry on our shoulders, I can't understand why we constantly lack the mental capacity to know when someone doesn't mean us any good. We know how we don't want to be treated, we know what is unacceptable and we know when things just feel wrong. However, we continually allow the people in our lives to distract us, disappoint us, use us up and disrespect us...and I'm not only talking about the men in our lives. We also continually accept this treatment and these actions from a variety of people...friends, family, co-workers, etc... When do we just say enough is just enough!?! When you have children to raise, a home to keep in order, a job to be at everyday...you don't have time to sit around and sulk about the way you're allowing someone to do you wrong. You're ALLOWING them to! You're allowing someone else power over your self-esteem, power over your happiness, power over your spirit and it's unhealthy. I know that sometimes letting go is so much easier said than done but if a relationship with someone keeps taking the air out of you and leaving you too exhausted to handle your business and take care of the things and people in your life who need and deserve the attention...that's enough. We have to take resposibility for our own hearts and minds and not let a "piece of a man" or a "there when times are good" friend be in control...to be continued

Well...hmmm...let me just say that, this song puts me in a clusterf*ck of emotions. I might blog about it...might not. For now, I'll just let the music play.

The Eternal "Boyfriend"

What is this f*ckery?? How many years, how many babies and how many break-up/make-up sessions are reasonable before just realizing that whatever situation you're in with whatever person...is pointless?!? When is it time for an "advancement" of position or relationship status and how do you go about approaching the other person and letting them know that you've earned a promotion in their lives? Some people may see this as pressuring the other person...I see it as knowing where you stand...and if you've been with someone for 5 or 10 years and your still not STANDING at somebody's alter, then where do you go from there? Of course I know that marraige isn't for everyone, but for the women and men who want that...how long do you wait? I think the conversation needs to take place as soon as you know that you are past the "friend" stage. Expectations about what level you plan to take the relationship should be established at the very beginning to make sure that both planes are taking off at the same time and going to the same place. You can't depend on the other person to know your expectations or to know when you want more from the situation than what it is. You have to communicate effectively so that everybody's on the same page. And while some people may be ok with the "eternal lover", if you know that you want something more you need to speak up and if the outcome is not what you hoped for or what you "expected"...then you know where you stand and it's time to make a decision based on where you are versus where you want to be.