AS I SAY GOODBYE...

AS I SAY GOODBYE TO ANOTHER YEAR, I LOOK BACK ON ALL THE EXPERIENCES THAT I CAN NOW ADD ON TO “THE PAST”. TWENTY-TEN HAS BEEN ONE OF THOSE YEARS WHEN I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I’VE HAD MORE GOOD TIMES THAN BAD. AT THIS TIME LAST YEAR I WAS IN TEARS AND WISHING AND HOPING THE YEAR TO AN END…TOTAL OPPOSITE NOW. THIS YEAR HAS BEEN FILLED WITH SO MANY LESSONS, SO MUCH LAUGHTER, SO MANY MEMORIES, AND SO MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO. I MET MORE INSPIRATIONAL, SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE THAN EVER BEFORE. I FINALLY FOUND THAT BALANCE BETWEEN BEING A MOTHER AND BEING A WOMAN. I GAVE UP TRYING TO RELIVE MY EARLY TWENTIES AND JUST LET MYSELF FALL GRACEFULLY INTO MY THIRTIES WITHOUT FEELING LIKE IT WAS A MAJOR CRISIS. I BECAME A BETTER FRIEND, A BETTER MOTHER, A BETTER DAUGHTER AND A BETTER “ME”. I LET GO OF PEOPLE WHO WEREN’T ADDING ANYTHING POSITIVE TO MY LIFE AND REPLACED THEM WITH MOTIVATORS…PEOPLE WHO ENCOURAGED MY GROWTH. I ALLOWED MYSELF TO TAKE A FEW CHANCES. I JUMPED OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE IN ORDER TO EXPERIENCE NEW THINGS THAT HELPED ME REALIZE SOME VERY IMPORTANT THINGS ABOUT LIFE. I READ BOOKS THAT CHANGED ME ON THE INSIDE IN ALL SORTS OF WAYS. I SPENT PLENTY DAYS ALONE…SOMETHING THAT TURNED OUT TO BE SO GOOD FOR MY SOUL. I PLANNED AND EXECUTED THE MOST SPECIAL BIRTHDAY THAT A TEN YEAR OLD COULD EVER IMAGINE. I BEGAN TRADITIONS THAT CREATED SUCH PERFECT MEMORIES. I REFUSED TO SPEND ONE DAY IN MY DARKENED BEDROOM SAD. ON THOSE DAYS WHEN THE EVERYDAY FATIGUE OF LIFE AND THE DAILY GRIND WERE GETTING THE BEST OF ME, I LISTENED TO MY BODY AND MY MIND AND I GAVE THEM BOTH A REST INSTEAD OF PUSHING MYSELF OVER THE EDGE. I SIMPLY STOPPED. I STOPPED TRYING TO BE EVERYWHERE AT ONCE; STOPPED TRYING TO BE EVERYBODY’S EVERYTHING…AND I JUST TOOK CARE OF ME. SO, THOUGH I HATE TO SEE SUCH A YEAR COME TO AN END I LOOK FORWARD TO WHAT’S AHEAD IN THE YEAR AND YEARS TO COME. THIS YEAR I WILL MAKE NO RESOLUTIONS, ONLY PERSONAL GOALS WHICH I’LL KEEP TO MYSELF AND WORK ON PRIVATELY…BECAUSE…WELL, JUST BECAUSE.

Go On...

Where do you go from here? When there's nothing left to say, nothing left to talk through, nothing left to work out, no decisions left to be made....you go on. You take all the disappointment and anger and hurt feelings...and you go on with your life because life is going to still go on whether YOU do or not. The sun is still going to rise, the bills will still have to be paid, the kids will still have to be taken care of and the world will continue to spin despite your broken heart and bruised soul. When relationships leave us abandoned, we always take it out on the wrong people...us. We abuse ourselves by allowing another person to drain us of our happiness, by not eating, not sleeping, not being able to concentrate on anything but the details of what we thought was our destiny. Instead of accepting that things didn't work out no matter who may be at fault or even if there is no one at fault, we find reasons to place blame...there is no peace in that. There will be NO peace and NO closure until we re-evaluate ourselves outside of the relationship and come to terms with who we are and what role we ourselves may have played in the outcome. You work on YOU...that's where you go when it's over.

Try This...

Sometimes you just know when it's time to take some time away from the world. Time to wrap yourself in a protective mental bubble and rethink the situations in your life that are causing you the most angst. Of course there are expectations in the roles that we play...mom, wife, daughter, work colleague... that we must still find the energy and sanity to deal with. But, our own well-being, which is far too often overlooked or flat-out ignored needs to be placed at the forefront of our minds without feeling the storm of guilt that rushes through us when we feel like we aren't living up to the standards of wonderwoman. Newsflash...you're NOT wonderwoman. You're human and there are times when you're entitled to cut off the phones, call out sick, send the kids with family or friends, order take-out instead of slaving over the hot stove and just spend a day under the duvet without feeling like the second coming of Christ is near. Trust me, it will do you some good. It will bring back a sense of clarity to the thoughts that are swimming around and stock piling themselves in the back of your brain. It will give you some time to take inventory of your priorities and reorder them. Try it.

Rain

Right now I'm really wishing it would rain. That rain that turns the afternoon into dusk and beats down on the earth. I love the rain.

My Own Eat, Pray, Love Moment...

I feel like I'm experiencing my own Eat, Pray, Love moment...the part when you realize that your life is not quite what you expected and far less than you hoped for. I understand that some things in life are irreversible and unchangeable and that each and every piece to the puzzle does not have to fit together perfectly. I also realize that sometimes we need to choose our thoughts the way we choose what to wear, who to be in a relationship with, where to live and how we spend our money. We can't keep weighing ourselves down with coulda shoulda wouldas. I'm now learning that the way to completely control my life is to work on my mind. When you figure out how to cultivate a positive outlook on things, it's so much easier to free up your mind to think of positive solutions to the things you feel have gone south in your life. It gets you out of the "poor me" thinking that can drag you to hell. When you have a plan to focus on, a goal to look forward to, something that makes you feel purposeful...you find more enjoyment in life. As I get older I'm learning not to just expect happiness to arrive as I did when I was younger, but to go out and find my excitement, contentment and joy. But I also am learning to accept that real life will inevitably deliver some blows that are inescapable...and that eventually it will be ok. There is no way to avoid some of the bumps in the road that we experience...but as does everything in life, they shall pass...sometimes the wait is just a little longer than we feel we can handle. I believe at this moment in time, I am figuring out great lessons about living and  I am finding many things, places and people that bring me joy...

The New Chapter

When I first thought of turning 30, I thought about all the things that I felt I was losing. My youth, my fun party-girl lifestyle...and I felt I was running out of time to reach some of the goals that I wanted to. Then I had a conversation with an older woman who laughed at my ignorance. She told me that I was missing the fact that the most important years of my life lay in front of me. She told me that along with the number (30) came a new level of sophistication and wisdom from having lived such a full and impressive young adulthood. That conversation made me realize that I WAS missing the point. I was forgetting that this is a new chapter of my life, that the adventures, failures and triumphs of my young adulthood have prepared me to do greater things in this new chapter. I now have bigger dreams and greater goals to achieve. I also realize that I now possess a strength from my past that can carry me through things I would have never thought I could get through in my twenties. I suddenly have a new appreciation for the maturity that comes along and replaces all the things that I felt I was losing when I turned 30. I've set new goals and I expect more out of life than when I had nothing to do but party.

A New Commitment

We all have personal goals at some point in our lives, that we want to achieve. Whether physical, emotional, spiritual or otherwise...there are heights that we plan to reach. I'm at the point where I have a sometimes overzealous desire to do and be the best at everything that I attempt. Though I have no problem with challenges whether they are from others or challenges that I place upon myself, I sometimes struggle to pursue my passions and reach my ultimate goals because I hate the risk of failure that comes along with trying to reach the top. Those days are over now. I have made a commitment to myself to put aside the fears I have about not achieving whatever it is I set out to achieve and to at least give myself the chance to get as close as I can. I've started cutting out the people in my life who are unwilling to grow and started surrounding myself with people who inspire me to be my personal best....people who motivate me to discover my happiness and strengths. I've learned that we become the sum of the ones that surround us. If we surround ourselves with people who have no goals and no purpose in life, we become slack in our goals and purpose because when those times come that discourage us...those people can't lift us up and push us to keep going because they lack desire and drive in their own lives. I am creating an environment for myself that promotes growth in every area of my life because I want to live the best life...the fullest life...and the most purposeful life that I can. I will risk failure...I will risk losing some things and some people along the way...I will risk being the best at SOME things and not so good at others. The point is...I will take risks to get where it is that I'm trying to go in life and I will take those same risks to show my son how to get to where he wants to go as well.

Mental Adjustments

With every change that occurs in our lifetime whether it be death, birth, loss or gain...there are mental adjustments that need to take place in order to adapt to the new circumstances that change may bring about. If we don't make those necessary mental adjustments our lives become scrambled. We lose focus and our priorities are disordered because we haven't changed our mentality to fit our situations. For instance, when we go from being single to being in a relationship, from a celebrity back to a regular life, rich to poor or vice versa, childless to a parent or being married to being widowed...all these changes require a certain level of adjustment and if we don't mentally adjust to these changes we can't grasp the new roles we may have to take on and we end up an emotional mess. It's something to think about.

Footprints In The Sand

And so...these little footprints in the sand belong to my dimple faced boy. He is the person that now influences many of the decisions that I make in my life these days. I want to give him all the things that happy children love. As I get older I realize that life isn't meant to be all burdens and struggles. It's about finding creative ways to work through your issues, it's about laughter and good times, it's about knowing that there are people in your life who care about everything that goes on in your life...not the people that just want to know. I'm becoming the type of mom who doesn't want my kid to miss out on the fun kid things...like letting him play outside in the rain, eat his dessert before his dinner, having watergun fights in the dark and inviting all his friends over for breakfast in their pajamas. Those little footprints have settled me into a different world. A world where I'd much rather host a dinner party or meet some friends at a coffee shop or bake cupcakes and cookies...rather than party.

Do We Ever Really Learn

I wonder...do we ever really learn how to completely take control of ourselves and trust our experience and instincts to guide us towards making better decisions about life...and also about the people we choose to allow to be a part of our lives (?). I think a majority of us are guilty of making the same mistakes more than once...but when we do that, can we still call them "mistakes" or is it now just stupidity? We've dated the same kind of person twice, made the same financial decisions twice, decided to give someone just one more chance twice...and I'm sure we were all also silly enough to expect different results from those same choices...twice. When do we learn? At what point do we wake up and decide that it's time to make completely different choices? We have to realize at some point that we can't live as carefree and wreckless as we did when we were young. We can no longer afford to keep making bad decisions and we can't keep waiting for the world to miraculously transform into an ideal place...or people to suddenly realize our value and treat us accordingly. It's up to us to change the way we live, the way we think, the way we treat ourselves. If we stay stuck in a false reality where we think that we can keep drawing the same lines and expecting them to turn into circles, we are doomed. Think about it.

A Little About Me

Sometimes I must admit myself that my life is quite interesting and exciting at times. I'm dab smack in the middle between an introvert and extrovert. I enjoy adventure, but i also live for the days and nights where I can just be alone inside myself with my thoughts and cup of tea...or tequila...or rum. I'm fortunate enough to have met and been able to cultivate friendships with people of all different cultures and social classes who for some odd reason don't find my moodiness off putting at all. Sometimes I sit and reflect on the things in my life that I consider "life altering" experiences...my first "real" relationship, the birth of my son, the death of my sister, the anger and hurt that drove me to detach myself from my father, meeting a group of work colleagues who are so much like a huge close family who are so much involved in each other's lives, so supportive and protective of each other that you'd think we'd been lifelong friends, discovering that I'm a much different person than I was even a year ago...I consider all those events to have been life altering in some way.

I write this blog because I have an obsession with writing (hypergraphia)...and because I enjoy expression. It's soothing like hot tea, chicken soup and cashmere. I also find it healing to de-clutter my head and my heart all at the same time as entertaining myself with memories and my newfound "beautiful mind"...and no I'm not referring to the movie "a beautiful mind"...I'm not schizophrenic, just a little different. I have alot going on inside my head (motherhood, career, everyday bullshit and a host of other vices). Up until this point, I've always been extremely guarded and private when it comes to my emotions and anything that I felt remotely embarrassed or ashamed of. I'm beginning to shed that tough skin as I grow wiser. I'm learning that I can't always beat my struggles alone and that it's important to let people "in" who can be a blanket of reason, support and comfort when it's time to deal with issues that have the potential of causing a nervous breakdown.

I guess that's all you need to know about me for now. Maybe i'll even turn this into a series...A Little About Me. Yes, that sounds like a plan... a little about me at a time.

Letting Go Of "Friends"

There comes a time in our lives when we should no longer tolerate certain types of people in our circle. Finding out who our true friends are is all a part of growing up and crossing over from child to adulthood. When we're young and just starting out in the world on our own without our parents telling us who to be or who not to be friends with, it's so easy to trust and believe that everyone who wants to be your friend wants to do so because they are genuine. As we get older we learn that there are a large number of people who have their own motives. We learn that the people that call themselves our friends aren't always who they claim to be. My question is...if you've been "friends" with a person your whole life but you one day wake up and realize that the friendship is not healthy or positive in any way and only one of you is benefiting from it...do you end it?

Summer Of My Life...

Hey dolls! I know I've been gone for a minute...but I'm back! I'm so excited for summer and all the new projects that I'm working on. I've been keeping them a secret...just in case they don't work out, I won't feel so bad. lol. One project that I will share with you guys is "The Summer Of My Life" project. This will be a new blog that will chronicle the events of my summer. I'll share pictures as well as the activities, vacations and any other happenings during my summer. I'm also involved in a movement called the "Murder Free Summer", with a friend of mine in my hometown of Annapolis and so I'll also be sharing the events and progress of that project with everyone. I'm hoping this will actually BE the summer of my life! I have alot planned for me and my son and I'm hoping it all works out. As my other projects start coming together more I'll share them as well. Stay tuned...

The Quality Of Our Children's Lives Is Declining

A direct result of this recession is that the quality of our children's lives is rapidly declining. There are approximately 15.6 million children living at or below the poverty line and as many as 500,000 children that are homeless right here in the United States. The increase of families in which neither parent has secure employment is steadily rising. There are also as many children living in households who don't have access to safe or nutritious foods. From 2007 to 2010 there has been an increase of about 750,000 children who are living in food-insecure households, which has a direct effect on their learning ability. Community engagement is also declining with cut backs of programs and the reduction of the employment of teachers...leaving children who are living in poor, chaotic homes with no outside resources. A report by the private philanthropy foundation of child development says that the effects of the decrease in our family economics will have a direct impact on the deterioration in our children's academic performance which will subsequently impact careers and ability to compete in the workforce when they get older. wow.

Teaching Your Children About Finances

We need to teach our children about the value and importance of not just knowing how to MAKE money, but also how to save and invest for their futures. They need to learn about the consequences of living beyond their means, living paycheck to paycheck and stacking debt on top of debt. Our children need to know how having the latest air jordans, the newest electronic gadget and the trendiest wardrobe is of little importance when they aren't educated, can't pay their bills or take care of a family. We need to make sure that our children are taught the lessons of money whether you have any or not. If you DON"T have any, then you need to share with your children your mistakes and provide resources for them to learn the things that no one taught YOU about finances. The future generation needs to know that are many other ways to become wealthy besides sports, music and television. As parents it is our responsibility to ensure that our children are knowledgeable about the opportunities that are available to them when they are educated and smart about their money.

Are You Bringing Something Equal To The Table?

People spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about what their potential suitor should bring to the table. He/She must have a car, a job, a home, good credit, etc...but let's be honest here. When we're seeking partners who bring so much to the table, are we being fair when it comes to what WE have to offer? It's not fair, nor wise, for you to demand that a person be able to do xy and z for you, if when necessary you yourself are ill equipped to return the favor. As women we want men in our lives who can be good role models for our children but I must admit that in the past I've rarely thought about what kind of example or impression I would make on a man's children. We don't spend enough time with ourselves. We spend more time thinking about our wish list of man qualities than we do preparing ourselves to be able to add something significant to a union. We worry less about what someone can offer us spiritually and emotionally than we do about finances and physical attributes. How can you place an expectation on someone else to own their own home, if you don't own one? How can you insist on someone being able to provide for a family, if you can't? We need to think about what else we gain when we seek out partners who are a shelf higher than we are. We gain a dependency that is unhealthy for a relationship because we have to constantly look to that person for what we are lacking. All I'm saying is...make sure you have your own sh*t together before you go demanding that another person has to fill such requirements in order to be a part of your life. Other than that...think about what you can add to another person's life before you inole yourself in it. Have a healthy relationship with YOU first!

Who's REALLY The Dominant Sex???

Ok, so I've been thinking. In so many cultures and societies men have been seen as the dominant sex. I beg to differ. Physically, men may have one up on us delicate daisies...but if you take an honest look at the lives of men and women you may see things a little different when it comes to emotional strength. Because women have always been viewed as the weaker sex, we've had to endure circumstances and battles that most men wouldn't be able to. The job of nurturing, guiding and baring children takes the strength of 1000 men but is frequently left resting on the shoulders of only one woman. We often are forced to take on the roles of men when it comes to raising our children whether the men are absent by choice, by incarceration or because they are off in another land fighting another man's war. We've had to fight for the rights of decisions we make involving our own bodies, we've had to fight to be able to participate in decision making that effects not only men, but the entire world. We've had to pull strength from unknown places to heal and comfort the men in our lives when they are broken or unable to achieve. Women are who they look to for support when they can't take pain whether it be a mother, a grandmother, an aunt or any other woman who has been a source of strength in their lives...you don't see them crying on their "homeboy's" shoulder. In the new generation of "anything you can do, I can do too", women have proven that they can take on the complicated responsibilites of being a "decent" woman in society as well as fight wars, be the main financial provider for her family, raise a family alone and share the emotional burdens of the men in her life.

The Girlfriend Of A Hustler's Secret...

Money...and fear keep her secrets from turning into indictments. So what he ripped and bleached her clothes. He'll buy her new ones. So what he pulled her hair from her scalp. He'll buy her some new hair. So what he has babies, claimed and unclaimed, all over the city. She doesn't want anymore of his babies and he'll pay for as many abortions as she needs. She may think that all her secrets are safe within her her but her friends know what he's about. Hell, some have even dated or slept with him themselves...and that's no secret. They know his phone didn't lose service or die lastnight when she was calling for hours, back to back to back to back. Her girls know that his boy didn't borrow his car and have it parked in front of the hotel...or his ex-girl's house. Everybody knows...but she pretends she doesn't. Her secrets are embarassing and humiliating to her so she covers them up. She plays stupid, buys alot of sh*t with his money to help heal her emotional scars, she drives around in his cars making sure everyone sees her...to convince HERSELF of her position in his life. She shows up at every court date to prove that she's the one who will be by his side no matter what...even though she sees familiar female faces in the crowd. Her friends know she has plenty of jewelry, bags, boots, shoes and clothes. But, the secret is all the ass whippings she had to endure to earn those apologetic shopping sprees. They don't know how many secrets she keeps for him to keep him out of prison and to keep his gun from discharging in the side of her head...yup...plenty of secrets

The Celebrity Girlfriend's Secret...

She hides. She hides the pain of an unhappy home behind Chanel shades, mac make-up and diamond apologies. She uses her status as his "main chick" to lick her wounds, although publicly he's "single" and she is not to reveal otherwise...that's her first secret. She says the sun from all the tropical vacations he takes her on will dry her tears. For her friends who envy her lifestyle, she paints a near perfect picture of their life together. They can see the house, the money and the cars and yes it all looks glamorous...from the outside. But inside there are secrets. She tells her friends how wonderful life is and how she has everything she's ever wanted--but she leaves out some sh*t. Like, the groupies and other random chicks that are bold enough to call the house or show up at the games and sit close enough for her to hear their snickering and comments about "her man" or how those thirsty bitches wait in the parking lot after the games just long enough for her to wonder who they are and who they're there for. She doesn't tell anyone that she's lonely for weeks at a time while he's on the road and how he sometimes doesn't even bother to call. And, if it wasn't for sportscenter she wouldn't know if he was dead or alive because she hasn't heard from him...at all...for weeks. She also doesn't tell her friends who envy her life, about all the latenight arguments when he calls her a whore and tells her she's just like the groupies...then storms out of the house to go spend the night with one. She doesn't discuss how many dishes have been broken against the wall, how many times she's threatened to leave and he hasn't contested but instead told her how easy it is to replace her. The kind of man he is when the cameras, the sports reporters and the fans aren't watching...is the biggest secret she keeps of all, besides herself. Yeah...lots of secrets. Like, the time she tried to leave and he threw her car keys in the pool and tackled her to the ground...to be continued

Cover-Girl (secrets of abused women)

Abusive relationships are ugly. They take things away from us. You don't have to be physically attacked to be beaten down...words and actions can have the same effect as a smack to the face or a hand around your throat. An abused woman is the best keeper of secrets you will ever know. These are some of their secrets...

Question from reader: What do you do when a person has you confused about the relationship and you feel like you're wasting your time?

Advice:

As hard as it may be, sometimes it's best to just severe ties with people who leave you deeply confused about your relationship. Although people may use "words" that say they care or love you, if they're not "showing" you...you may be missing a painfully clear sign that their attention is elsewhere or...they're just not that into you. Therefore, they no longer deserve all the special attention you've been giving them and so if it fades away...so be it. It just means that once again that person isn't the one for you, but you shouldn't look at the time you've spent with them as wasted but as preparation and conditioning for the next situation. Spend this time focusing on areas of your life that need special attention like your kids, your home, your career and most importantly YOURSELF. Use the time and energy that you feel you're wasting, to build yourself up and the things and people around you that NEED that time and energy. Work on re-inventing yourself stronger and more secure than before. Keep yourself occupied and productive. Enjoy yourself, your friends and your family. Rediscover a time when you were happy and in control of yourself and figure out how to bring it back! Good Luck!

My Everyday Life (entry 1)

So, today began as all my "normal" work days have been in recent weeks...by waking up exhausted, irritable and once again unprepared. My plan the night before was to straighten up after dinner, iron some clothes (I used to iron for the entire week on sunday nights), do a load of laundry and get in bed a decent hour (and actually fall asleep). Instead, I ended up watching a movie, doing some writing and not falling asleep until around 2am.

I hit the snooze button in the morning way too many times knowing I had so much to do not only for myself but I also hadn't ironed my son's clothes yet or decided on what to make him for breakfast. I made a mad dash out of the house about 15 munites later than I should be leaving so I didn't have time to stop and get my white mocha...which I knew I so desperately needed on a morning like this. blah.

I got to work feeling and I'm sure looking like I hadn't gotten any sleep and completely out of sorts. I made it through the day (irritable and all)and managed to get home, take a nap, cook dinner (bbq chicken, rice and mixed veggies) and then make it back to work for some OT. It was a looooong day that dragged on and on but I made it. I am making a plan as we speak to make sure that Monday will not be a repeat of today! Enjoy the weekend. It's supposed to rain here so maybe I'll get some things accomplished around the house and be at least a little better organized and prepared by the start of the new week.

New Layer Of The Pink Ink (My Everyday Life)

What's the first thought that comes to your mind when it's time to get up and go to work in the morning? I know my first thought and first spoken words every morning are, sh*t sh*t sh*t. Not because I hate my job but because I'm just not really a morning person and despite my obsession with being organized and prepared...lately I've been neither of those things. I've always had a set routine that included getting out of the house on time, stopping for coffee and getting to work at least 15 minutes early, but recently I've just been feeling a bit overwhelmed and just downright agitated and drained so my wonderful routine has gone to sh*t. However...I am committed to getting back on track. For the past month or so I've gotten really busy and involved in so many different projects that I've kind of just slacked off when it comes to my normal everyday stuff and if I notice that I'm not performing at 100%, then I'm sure other people have noticed it too. So with that being said, this new layer to The Pink Ink will be my "log of progress". In this section I'll blog about my goals for the week, the new healthy habits I'm trying to develop like eating better, excercising on a regular basis and getting back the flow of my weekly routine. I'm hoping maybe this will be helpful and inspiring to others as well but this section is really more for me to track my progress as I get my life back in order and improve some things. Hope you enjoy!

I'm Who I Am...You're Who You Are

It is so unfair to try to change another person. Not only is it unfair, but it's also almost always impossible. If the person was good enough to begin a friendship or relationship with, why would you try to force them to be someone else?

I Remember...The Football Player, Vomit In My Hair and Cops

I remember laying in his bed...every few minutes looking at the clock because it was after 1:30am and this mf still wasn't home. Then my cell rings. I remember him slurring the words, "baby where you at?"...wtf...I remember telling the fool that I was still at his house where he'd left me when it was still daylight outside. He laughed. I didn't. He asked me if I could please come get him from the club because he was too drunk to drive home. Again, wtf! I said ok and headed out.

When I get to the club this jackass is LAYING on the hood of a police car grinning with a damn toothpick in his mouth...WHAT THE F*CK!!! The cop told me that he told him to call someone to get him so that he didn't have to pull him over. I thanked him and told "Mr. Champagne Guzzler" to come get in my car so I could take him home. I remember him telling me to park my car and get in his because he didn't want to leave his truck. Now I'M laughing and thinking this (N word) must be crazy! ...then he tells me he CAN'T leave his truck and if something happened to mine he'd buy me a new one. So I left it.

Fast forward to the ride back to his house. On the beltway and I remember him gagging and wretching. I asked him if he needed me to pull over because I knew he was going to throw up. He said no. Then he put the window down and stuck his head out. Again, "do you need me to pull over?"
"Nope. Just get to the house."
The next memory I have is this mf'er vomiting out the window and vomit blowing back in the truck...in my f**king hair! I then remember slamming on breaks (in the middle of the beltway) and screaming at the top of my lungs...no words, just screaming. I stopped the truck so suddenly and screamed so loud that I scared him. I remember him taking off his black button-down Armani shirt and trying to wipe the vomit out of my hair for me. I smashed the accelerator (which also scared the sh*t out of him) and finally made it to the house...where his drunk ass vomited again...all over the inside of the passenger door and in the driveway. I left him in the driveway on his knees and ran straight in the house so that I could take a shower and wash my hair. I was glad I had his keys and didn't have to wait on him...pause...I get in the house and the alarm is beeping for me to enter the code. Nice. I don't live there so I don't know the damn code, but luckily he's up off his knees and now laying in the doorway so i tell him to put the code in or give it to me so I can put it in...pause again...This (N word) is so f**ked up that he can't even remember the code to his own alarm! Again..nice...now the alarm is going off...LOUD. Dumbass is now asleep (still in the doorway...feet outside, head inside) and the alarm is blaring. The phone is also riinging and now...the cops are there. Remember I'm dealing with all this nonsense...with my hair still wet and smelling of vomit.

Short story...me and nice cop #2 woke him up long enough to talk to the security company on the phone. Fortunately for him the cop was a big fan and recognized him. I finally got to wash my hair (with him kneeling in front of the toilet and then falling asleep on the bathroom floor). I left him in the bathroom (cut the lights off and everything) and went to bed. It was about 4am. I set the alarm so that I could wake him up in the morning for practice. I remember getting up when I heard the alarm and was shocked...this mf'er was already up and dressed. Guess he didn't want that fine for being late. smh. So many more stories of him so for future reference we'll just refer to him as "Mr. NFL"...lol

The "I Remember" Series...

The "I Remember" series is the most personal part of The Pink Ink Blog. It describes a series of different memories throughout my life. Some are funny, some are sad, some are very random but they all are important and personal to me. At times I may only tell part of a story, other times you'll get the entire picture. Hope you enjoy!

I Remember...The Night Gino Died

I remember reading the text...way before texting was so popular. I remember not being able to process what it said and not being able to cry...because I couldn't process it. I remember a few hours later sitting in my car in front of my house reading the text again...and again...and again. I remember an excessive amount of calls breaking through my phone as I was reading the text...again...and again...and again. A friend of his showed up at my house. I remember him explaining all the details that he knew but still...couldn't process it. Still couldn't cry. I watched some tv, read a few chapters of a book, ignored my phone which had vibrated so much that it had fallen on the floor and then I went to sleep.

The next memory I have is 3am...I remember getting up to use the bathroom and then...devastation. I started to cry and I couldn't pull it together. I stayed in the bathroom...crying...for over an hour. I had now totally processed what had happened. Gino was dead. I went to my phone and went through my call log. I had spoken to him at 9:03am that morning. He had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted me to come see him at his mom's. I said, "I'll come by later". Later was too late. I checked my voicemail, skipping through all the "Mo, I'm so sorry"..."Mo, what happened?"..."Are you ok?"...etc. I was looking for the last message he'd left me saying to call him, it was an emergency. I remembered that I'd gotten the message but I'd never called him back. The message was gone...it had been over a month ago. I cried some more. Then I went back to that state of not being able to process it again...to be continued

Who Is More Important?

How important are you to yourself? How important is your own happiness versus someone else's happiness and satisfaction? Before you answer these questions you should think about some things. You should think about the kinds of people you let into your life, what kinds of friends you have and how many times you have done something that has made you unhappy or uncomfortable just to please someone else, or how many times you've "stuck it out" in a situation that was unrewarding and draining just because the situation or the person involved in the situation was familiar and/or an important piece of who you are. Once you answer those questions then you should be better able to answer the first two questions and you may discover that you are not as important to yourself as you think you are and that you are constantly putting other people's happiness before your own. Not good. I know that this gets you nowhere in life because when you use up all your energy trying to be somebody's everything, somebody's vision of perfection or trying to change someone to fit into your own vision of perfection--you have no energy left to do the things that would make your own life easy and enjoyable. You can't always take on the weight of the world and then expect people to return the favor or even just appreciate your effort...that's just not the way the world works. When you constantly give give give, even when you have nothing left to give people expect for you to keep on giving because that is your role in THEIR lives. But in order to keep your sanity you need to give UP the idea that everyone in your life will one day get it together and realize that you have your own life, your own issues to deal with and your own dilemnas to face. What you need to start doing is making it a point to just refuse people sometimes...take time for you, even if it's just to sit and do nothing...at least you're sitting and doing for YOURSELF and not using all your time and energy to cater to someone else. There's nothing wrong with being a caring person and having a big heart, but the problem is when you neglect yourself or your small children or when you abandon your own dreams and goals to help others follow through with their dreams and goals. Your not being fair to yourself. This is just something to think about.

Enough Is Enough!

You're fed up. You're crying. You're wishing ill fate. You're waiting by the phone. You're pissed off because it's not ringing...or if it is ringing, it's not him. You're thinking of all the time, devotion, trust, love and whatever else you've put into this person. smh. Been there, done that, realized the errors of my ways. As young women who have so many roles to play in our lives and so much weight to carry on our shoulders, I can't understand why we constantly lack the mental capacity to know when someone doesn't mean us any good. We know how we don't want to be treated, we know what is unacceptable and we know when things just feel wrong. However, we continually allow the people in our lives to distract us, disappoint us, use us up and disrespect us...and I'm not only talking about the men in our lives. We also continually accept this treatment and these actions from a variety of people...friends, family, co-workers, etc... When do we just say enough is just enough!?! When you have children to raise, a home to keep in order, a job to be at everyday...you don't have time to sit around and sulk about the way you're allowing someone to do you wrong. You're ALLOWING them to! You're allowing someone else power over your self-esteem, power over your happiness, power over your spirit and it's unhealthy. I know that sometimes letting go is so much easier said than done but if a relationship with someone keeps taking the air out of you and leaving you too exhausted to handle your business and take care of the things and people in your life who need and deserve the attention...that's enough. We have to take resposibility for our own hearts and minds and not let a "piece of a man" or a "there when times are good" friend be in control...to be continued

Well...hmmm...let me just say that, this song puts me in a clusterf*ck of emotions. I might blog about it...might not. For now, I'll just let the music play.

The Eternal "Boyfriend"

What is this f*ckery?? How many years, how many babies and how many break-up/make-up sessions are reasonable before just realizing that whatever situation you're in with whatever person...is pointless?!? When is it time for an "advancement" of position or relationship status and how do you go about approaching the other person and letting them know that you've earned a promotion in their lives? Some people may see this as pressuring the other person...I see it as knowing where you stand...and if you've been with someone for 5 or 10 years and your still not STANDING at somebody's alter, then where do you go from there? Of course I know that marraige isn't for everyone, but for the women and men who want that...how long do you wait? I think the conversation needs to take place as soon as you know that you are past the "friend" stage. Expectations about what level you plan to take the relationship should be established at the very beginning to make sure that both planes are taking off at the same time and going to the same place. You can't depend on the other person to know your expectations or to know when you want more from the situation than what it is. You have to communicate effectively so that everybody's on the same page. And while some people may be ok with the "eternal lover", if you know that you want something more you need to speak up and if the outcome is not what you hoped for or what you "expected"...then you know where you stand and it's time to make a decision based on where you are versus where you want to be.

Praying and Planning For A Good Week!

Looking forward to having a stress-free, productive week! Tomorrow will be my day off so I "plan" to get some things done around the house like laundry, grocery shopping and a little cleaning. I've made a list of things I need to do for the week in order for it to go as smoothly as I hope so I'm going to do my best to accomplish them. Besides a full work schedule this week I am also hosting an office luau on Wednesday and I have quite a few things to do before then, so hopefully my one day off this week will be productive...if not, then the rest of my week could be a mess. As far as the kid...this week I don't really have much planned besides a trip to the library to return items and do homework and I'm hoping to get time to at least get out to the park or take a walk around the harbor. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a busy week so I also plan to make a few quick meals ahead of time in case I don't make it home by dinner time. All in all I'm praying and planning for a good week...I'll let you know how it works out!

I Think I'm Ready

So maybe it's time. Time that I sit down and ask myself some important questions about my life. I'm now at an age where things that never really mattered to me before seem to take over my thoughts. I'll start with relationships. I've been in some situations and have seen some other people's situations that have hardened me a little when it comes to relationships. At 30, I've lost my patience and tolerance for alot of the bullsh*t that goes on when I'm dealing with a person who isn't on the same page as I am mentally. I don't have time to figure people out and play a bunch of guessing games when it comes to certain things like feelings and emotions...sometimes I feel like I'm communicating with children instead of grown ass men. I mean, is it too much to ask for someone to just SAY how they feel?? Not text me, facebook me, tweet me or expect me to just read your mind. I find myself being tough and cold at times because I'm trying to protect myself from the devastation of a broken heart...but lately, I also find myself missing the closeness of a real relationship and having someone to confide in and really bonding and building with someone on a deeper level other than good conversation and sex. I feel that maybe I'm ready now because I've experienced some things and I've grown to understand some things about men and about myself that I had no clue about when I was in my past relationships. I realize that opening up too wide and giving too much too fast is dangerous and unhealthy for the soul. You have to make people earn a position in your life before you trust them with your feelings and expose all your insecurities to them beacause the wrong person will take them and use them to their advantage. I've also learned that a partnership is about 2 people and you have to be willing to compromise in situations where no one can win. I've learned many other things, but I think the most important thing I've learned is that I can't change anyone but myself...that I also can't expect anything in return but what I give. Yeah, I think I'm ready...we'll see though

It Rained And It Poured!

So Wednesday the "surprise activity" was a no go, thanks to the thunderstorm. Although we made it to te grocery store to get our taco supplies in the nice, bright, shining sun...we walked out of the store to a mini flood. I decided to make it a taco and dvd night instead. After tacos we made some ice cream sundaes and just relaxed. Although I usually only allow my son to play video games or be on the computer for 1 or 2 hours at a time, I made an exception since our fun friday plans were spoiled.

Weekday Activity Surprise!

The morning routine was a little rough today. I think me and my son are both at our exhausted stage of the week so I thought it might be a good idea to have a little fun and break up the monotony of the school/work week. The kid has been craving tacos for a few days now so I think I'll make a pitstop at the grocery store to get "taco supplies" as part of the "surprise day". After our taco dinner I'm going to surprise my boy with a fun open play day at Jump Zone! Open play today is from 5p-7p so we'll be home in time for showers, bedtime and quiet time. I think we'll stop by Rita's for gelati's on the way home. I'm looking forward to the evening. I'll get some reading and writing done while he jumps and bounces to his heart's content. We don't normally do much during the week besides a couple trips to the library or an occasional ice cream run so this should be a blast for him. We will probably both get a good night's sleep tonight to be up and refreshed for the remainder of the week!

Let It Ring...

It's funny how one phonecall can ruin your day and send you into a tailspin...how feelings you thought you had overcome or at least put aside for the time being,can come back and light your emotions on fire. My original plan today was to turn my phone off in order to get some peace and concentration...good idea!...turning it back on...bad idea. Sh*t. I should've just let it ring. Now I'm feeling weak because once again I've allowed someone to make me lose control of myself. Sometimes it's easier said than done to detach your emotions from the actions of people who are less willing to grow. Sometimes it's easier to lose control than it is to just...let go. I've grown alot in the past few months in terms of how I deal with certain feelings and how I react to people or situations, but today I found myself back in a familiar place that almost made me forget who I'm trying so hard NOT to be. I tried hard not to let that phonecall ruin my day and even though the entire day wasn't totally lost, I was consumed with frustration...more at myself than the other person. I was more frustrated with myself because I know better. You can't depend on another human being not to disappoint you or to think of your feelings before they think of themselves. Next time i'll just let it ring.

Welcome to: The Mommy In Me

So yesterday started a little slow...but not so bad. I was able to do everything that needed to be done before leaving the house (including a healthy breakfast for me and my boy). Work was ok but I was glad when it was over. It was a beautiful day in Maryland so my son spent most of the afternoon playing outside after school. After coming inside we had dinner (grilled cheese sandwiches, tuscan basil tomato bisque and mixed veggies), then off to pajama night at the library and coldstones creamery for dessert. When we got home we both had new books we couldn't wait to start so we had some quiet reading time together after showers and before bed. The day's activities were short, simple and sweet but the kid thought they were "awesome"! Today's friday so I'm sure the next Mommy In Me post will be a little longer and hopefully more exciting...

Getting Real With Myself...

Hey dolls! Just thought I'd share some things about what I've learned about life so far, that have put things into perspective for me...



1.) I can't live like I did when I had no responsibilities and no one to worry about but myself because both those things have changed



2.) The perfect person does not exist...some adjusting has to be done sometimes; major flaws like 5 baby mommas and no income are not acceptable, but not being EVERYTHING I want physically can be overlooked

3.) Problems don't just disappear...you need to face them and deal with them

4.) Living paycheck to paycheck at any age is unacceptable; you must plan for the unexpected

5.) Everyone needs structure and routines; organization eliminates alot of unnecessary stress

6.) Dreams don't grow and flourish on their own; you need to stick it out when it gets tough

Basketball Wives

Basketball Wives....huh??? I think some more fitting titles for this waste of television airtime would be, "Basketball Jump-Offs, "Basketball Baby Mama's" or maybe "1 and a half Basketball Wives." I mean seriously...how many of these women were or are actually MARRIED to a basketball player??? Granted, the show is supposed to give an inside look at how crazy and dysfunctional the lives of these women are but honestly speaking...who the hell cares? and who the hell didn't already know that the lives of celebrities and their women are crazy and dysfucntional? This show is nothing but an african-american version of "The Bad Girls Club". Here is another group of grown ass women airing their dirty laundry to the public and earning recognition for being nothing more than trophies and doormats. to be continued...

R.I.P Kim...damn

i'm sitting here staring at this blank screen wondering what the hell to write about...but my mind is just wrapped around something else. a girl i went to school with was stabbed and killed this morning. shocking. i remember the last time i saw her, which was years ago...she looked terrible. drugs had completely taken control of her. she remembered me...but i barely recognized her. i couldn't believe that after watching her sister go through the same addiction that she would choose that path in life. but...we never know what someone is thinking or going through inside their own self. sometimes our minds take us to unspeakable places and if you haven't been taught how to cope with the intensity that life throws your way, the outcome can be detrimental. it's so easy to judge people when you're on the outside looking in, but maybe if we knew what was going on, on the inside we would be able to view things differently. i know what it feels like when you're the only one who knows what's going on in your life and have people judge you for who you are...what it feels like to not know how you're gonna make it through something...and to feel like no one would understand. well, all i can say is that whatever reason she chose to turn to the life she did...none of that sh*t matters at this moment in time. she was still somebody's daughter, somebody's sister, somebody's friend...and though she was taken out of the misery she most definitely was in, somebody's gonna miss her...somebody's gonna cry and somebody's gonna wonder if there was anything they could've done to save her from the streets. my heart breaks for her and those who love her.

Technical Miscommunication...(Monique K. Makell dislikes this)

sometimes it's necessary to think with a clear mind instead of a confused heart. when communication between two people is unclear it leads to misunderstandings...which almost always leads to confusion by at least one of the parties involved. adult conversations about feelings and futures should not be settled via text messages and facebook. there's no closure there (in my opinion) and it diminishes the emotion and sometimes the meaning of those conversations. it's not an adult way to communicate. we've become so technical in our everyday lives that many of our relationships and friendships suffer because they are no longer personal and intimate because instead of hearing the other person's voice and being able to gauge the emotions and feel their excitement or disappointment...it's just a bunch of typed words across a screen. communication is extremely important in our relationships with everyone in our lives and when it's minimized or lacking so many misunderstandings take place. so...if you have something to say to someone that you care about...pick up the phone or meet face to face and say it. stop letting today's technology change how we communicate with our loved ones. peace

Love or Dependency...

so i'm here...that point in your life where you question all your past relationships. where you try to discover where you're going wrong or how the men you are choosing are wrong. i think i'm ready for love but, as a person who has such an extreme fear of failure...maybe not. some people search for that person that they just can't live without. that's not what i want. that isn't love to me...that's dependency. i just want that person that makes me want to spend my time and share my life with them more than anyone else. i don't want to NEED anyone...for love, for money, for security or anything else. i only want to feel that there is no one i'd rather devote my energy to...and i want them to be deserving of it. relationships that are built on dependency are unhealthy and draining.

This Is Who I Want To Be...

i want to be the kind of woman who is strong and in control of myself, my emotions, my success and a contributor to the evolvement of my culture and my gender. i want to be the kind of woman who is secure enough with myself to know that another woman's success doesn't equal my failure...the kind that can be a positive role model in the life of a young girl who needs one. i want to be the kind of woman who knows when a situation or a person isn't worth all that i have to offer...and be confident in my decision to walk away from such situations and people in order to keep the peace within myself. i want my intelligence and my character to enter the room before i'm physically present. i want to be a woman who's talents speak for themselves...i don't want people to have to wonder what makes me special, i want them to see it for themselves without the overshadowing of any negative controversy such as sex tapes and public relationships. i want to be known as a woman who is able to soldier my way through any adversity that tries to slow down or stop my progression towards greatness. i want to be a woman who refuses to allow disappointments in my past to create mental barriers in my future...i want to be a person who knows how to build a bridge and just get over sh*t so i can move forward in life. i want to be a woman who can handle constructive crticism...but not allow other people's opinions to affect my work or how i make decisions about my life. this is who i want to be.

WHO do you want to be?

i was asked a question today. "Monique, who do you want to be?". my reply was simple..."I want to be successful and comfortable". (silence) and then...

"no sweetheart. I didn't ask WHAT you wanted to be, I asked WHO you wanted to be. WHO do you want to be known as and remembered as." well damn...talk about being put on the spot. (think fast Mo)--

"ummm...can I think about it and call you back?" (nervous laugh)--

"that's exactly what I want you to do Monique. THINK about it." again...well damn.

i've always known WHAT i wanted to be. like i said, successful and comfortable. but, i've never actually thought about WHO i wanted to be...kinda left me scratching my head, because everything i came up with was fitting in the WHAT category. sh*t, this is harder than i thought and she leaves the office at five...it's 4:17...I call her back and tell her some off the top of my head bullsh*t. She chuckles and says, "honey, i said THINK about it. sit with it. explore what i've asked you. i didn't ask you because I need to know...I asked because YOU need to know."

speechless. (working on it right now...i'll let you know how it goes) and i ask....WHO do you want to be???

Just A Thought...

As long as you're doing SOMETHING...the people who are doing NOTHING are looking for ways to stop you from doing it. It baffles me that so many of us (african americans), haven't evolved enough in life to start trying to build each other up and better ourselves as a culture. Instead, we continue to spread so much negative energy that it makes it damn near impossible for anyone to get ahead. We have to learn that another person's success doesn't equal our failure. We should be building strong relationships with people who have similar goals so that if one of us makes it, the others can follow. When we are selfish with our accomplishments we miss out on opportunities to advance.

Change Is Coming!

I'm having that urge again...the one from a few nights ago where I wanted to take a latenight run...to breathe the fresh air and clear my mind. It's crazy the places writing can take you sometimes. The memories it brings to surface...the ideas it provokes. This is therapeutic for me. To get all these thoughts out of my head and send them somewhere. Had I known getting rid of my troubles was as easy as "publish post"...I would've started this blog years ago.


Tonight my writing takes me to my future. I'm sitting here thinking about how meeting one person has possibly changed the course of my life. Not to say I wasn't already on the right path as far as having dreams and goals, but the conversation I had with her made me realize how I let my negative energy drain me and leave me too exhausted to focus on those dreams and goals. My downfall is impatience. I expect immediate results and immediate success in everything I do and if it doesn't happen IMMEDIATELY...I don't necessarily give up, but I push those things to the side and move on to other ideas. Not productive. Recently I've been spending way too much time thinking about my past...again...not productive. This is how I know that it's time to re-invent. Sure, my past was wonderful and exciting and I'm proud of some of the accomplishments I've made but it's time for a new chapter. It's time for me to take my life to another level and use everything I've learned through my experiences...good and bad. Change is coming!

BITCH PLEASE... (vent session)

disclaimer*** I have no one in particular in mind as I write this but if you're offended then...maybe the shoe fits and you needed to hear this (love ya dolls!)

I am so disgusted by chicks who continuously point the finger and blame the men in their lives, or the men who didn't participate in their lives, for their own self-destructive behavior. The fact that your mother was a crack addict or a hoe, and that your father wasn't there does not give you a free pass to become hoes, gold diggers and negligent parents...and then use your upbringing as an excuse. It's also not an excuse to hate on the women who are doing something with their lives besides clubbin', chasin' worthless men and f*ckin' just because they don't f*uck with you (because we have better sh*t to do like raise our kids and make money). The females that are trying to improve our gender as a whole look down on you sometimes, not BECAUSE you're struggling...but because you won't get up off your ass and do anything about it. We don't look down on you because you COME from the hood...but because you won't try to get OUT of the hood...and we look down on you because you make yourself look so small when you have the intelligence, sophistication and vocabulary of a 5yr old and then label the educated females who have some class as stuck up or "trying to be white". Once again, this is not for the purpose of disrespecting any individual female but it's to bring awareness to those chicks who think they have their sh*t together just because they have their own place (which us "stuck up bougie bitches" are probably supplementing). I'm not insulting those who just need a little extra help but I'm saying don't act like the people (men and women) who have more than you owe you anything because they don't. If you or your children want or need something, it is YOUR responsibility as the "independent woman" to go get it. Our kids depend on us for every kind of support from emotional to financial so if you're walking around with your hair and nails done and a new outfit every week...I should'nt be smh when I see your kids running around outside (past a normal bedtime) with their hair not combed and too small clothes and shoes on. You can't keep complaining about the ills of society if you are doing nothing to CONTRIBUTE but adding to the census. You can't keep complaining about men "not being sh*t" if you "ain't sh*t!"...and for the record, raising babies involves more than full bellies from foodstamps, polo and nikes. They need discipline, support, encouragement and someone in their lives who is thriving so they know how to express themselves effectively and break the cycle of "not sh*tness" in our culture....period.

Somebody call the 90's and tell them I want my hip-hop back!!!

In today's generation of five star b*tches who can make your bed rock and get you wasted like the white boys...I ask...where the hell is real music? The hip-hop era of the 90's will never be duplicated or surpassed. There will never be another Hard Knock Life Tour (lived it firsthand...damn what an incredible story), no more Reasonable Doubt, Illmatic, Ready to Die....period...and while some of the rappers of that time are still around and still providing us with at least "decent" material, the passion that they and we all had for hip hop during that era is over. Too many things have changed in the music game. Beef is no longer just punchline rhymes and mixtapes. It now spills into the streets as brawls, shootouts, stabbings and personal attacks against the loved ones of the two people involved. And what are they beefin' for? Because they disagree on who's the better MC??? because someone has gone commercial? because someone can't sell records unless they are somehow linked to a hot artist, so you start a beef that can end in them losing their lives??? F*ckin' ridiculous! If this generation of rap artists spent more time in the studio instead of in the streets making DVD's to talk about another n*gga (giving them free publicity), then maybe we'd hear more lyrical creativity on the albums that we download....yeah, another thing that has f*ucked up the music game. This digital era has taken away from promotion, record sales, the anticipation of new music. Promotion budgets have been cut in half because we now depend so much on digital media and online networking to get the word out...but apparently it's not working as record sales have also been cut in half. There was a time when music made you feel good, made you wanna party and sip champagne but now beyond f*ckin' and drinkin', today's music just makes me want to turn off the damn radio and get out my old CD's... (to be continued)

What I Was Told...

I just wanna go for a latenight run...to breathe the fresh air...to clear my mind. In the last few weeks I've been so many places emotionally that I was afraid I was losing my mind. One five hour conversation and alot of tears changed that. I was told to stop being afraid of myself, to stop expecting everything to have a perfect ending and to close some doors...but open some windows. I was told to stop being angry when people disappoint me because...they're just people and that's what they do sometimes...that I am to take those disappointments as a teaching experience. I was told to stop trying to be everybody's everything...that I'm not superwoman and I can't do everything at one time...that the quality of the things I accomplish in life is far more important and memorable than the quantity of things that I attempt but leave unfinished (damn). In that conversation I was told that beautiful people like me can go anywhere they want in life...but we have to work 10 times harder to prove that our worth stretches beyond our hips and pretty eyes and smiles. I was told that saying hateful things to people I care about is weak and unwomanly and it lessens my intelligence (again...damn). I was told that people aren't clay or playdough and that I can't shape and mold them to my liking...and I was told that a tantrum will get me nowhere and it's an unsophisticated act for a woman of my intelligence who knows very well how to "use my words" and articulately express myself, my wants and needs...(ok, now i'm feeling this small)...I was told to stop trying to make up my own rules to situations and expecting everyone else to follow them...that I can't be in charge of anyone but myself and that little guy I brought into the world (tears)....to be continued

Reset...

so today we talked. not argued, but talked. it was my attempt to prove my personal growth and my newfound grown woman-ness (i know that's not a word but this is MY blog...lol). we talked about our goals...individual goals...i skipped all the usual "i wonder who you've been with" thoughts and kept it pretty simple, sneaking in an occasional "are we gonna try this again". it's funny how sometimes the stronger we think we are, the weaker we portray ourselves to be. i showed my strength this time by apologizing. i apologized for being in a bad place with myself and trying to bring him with me. i apologized for pretending i was so tough and making him feel disrespected...it made me feel like i'd reached a new point within myself. i was taking responsibility for myself, my attitude and my behavior. i thanked him for making me take a hard look at myself and evaluating my internal issues that i've tried so hard to mask for so long. for once in a long time, he said something so sweet that i really felt ashamed for all the times i'd cursed him and told him i hated him. i wish there was a reset button so that when you f*ck something up beyond repair...you can start over. there are so many times when i could have used that in my life...relationships, family, friendships, opportunities, oooh the list goes on. sometimes i just wanna scream out f*****ck! why did i do that? but almost always...it's too late. however, this time i think is different. though i don't ever see us walking hand in hand into the sunset for our happily ever after...i do see a special bond between us that has not been easily broken and maybe the cracked pieces of it can be restored. i'm just gonna hit my imaginary reset button and see what happens.

Men's "Friend"...

so let me break this down to any men who don't already know this. when I meet you and we go through all the initial initiation questions (what do you do?, where do you live?, how many kids do you have?, etc...), I would have to say that yes that is the appropriate time to state the facts about any wives, girlfriends, crazy baby mommas, f*ckbuddies, boos, sidepieces and oh yeah...the infamous "friend". I hate when I meet a guy who claims to be single but then throws in the "I have a friend"....and then wants you to pat him on the back and kiss his cheek for being an "honest guy"...and expect you to trust him. laughable...yeah, you might be honest about telling me about your "friend" (and more than likely because the bitch is psycho and you're just trying to put me on point) but c'mon man seriously??? if you have a "friend" that's worthy enough for you to tell me about her then...wtf are you doing in MY face? and as far as you being honest goes, I'm quite sure you didn't run home and tell "friend" that you just got my number or repeat all that slick sh*t you were whisperin' in my ear...just sayin' fellas

DON'T LET ME GET ME...

hmmm...those words seem so relevant to my life right now. don't let me get me...translation: don't let me f*ck my own life up by getting in my own way. it's funny now, to think about where I was 10-12yrs ago. cool industry job that any chick in her 20's would kill for, celebrity friends, free vacations, several "15 minutes" of fame, a size 5 frame, a bestie I couldn't do anything without and not a care in the world. then the tide shifted...the industry changed, people changed, money changed, baby came and with that...suddenly my whole life changed.

Energy

"THIS LOVE HAS TAKEN ALL OF MY ENERGY"--KERI HILSON



ummm...yeah, sooo...if this is the way you feel about your current relationship/friendship/f*ckbuddyship or any other sh*t, I mean "ship" you're in...it's clearly time to ABANDON SHIP. when the person that you spend a majority of your day thinking about isn't thinking about you or isn't making you feel whatever special feeling he made you feel when everything was peachy, it's definitely time to put the situation on the board for review. when things change so drastically that you forget that you have limits and standards and sh*t that you just don't put up with...pack your feelings and any other things of yours and get gone! so many times we stay in situations for the wrong reasons...security, we don't want anybody else to have him, money, status...yeah, the list of wrong reasons could go on forever. we as a naturally nurturing species devote all our "energy" to others sometimes without fully evaluating a person to see if they're actually worth so much...then when we find out they're not worth it we feel all used up and stupid for being so naive. we blame the other person for taking advantage of us when the real blame should be placed on our own shoulders for ALLOWING a person who was nothing more than a taker to begin with, get so close to us...

Female "Foe"ship...

Friendship. Not a word I've ever taken lightly or used loosely. It takes alot for me to consider someone a friend...but once I do, that's exactly what I am. As a female in this generation I've come to realize that most women my age must never have been taught the meaning of friendship or had someone school them to the rules of it. So many times females call themselves friends to another female but in the same conversation will talk sh*t about that female. The bond with "your girls" should be sacred. You should be able to get together for coffee, a meal or a drink...vent about some things, share some goals, dish about your relationships or families and not have it broadcasted around town for people who don't know the whole story, to be able to judge you. So many times I hear someone say, "don't say anything because she told me not to tell anybody"...just as they're about to tell their "friend's" secrets that they swore was "just between them". That's not a friend. When you see your "friend" in a bad situation...say, an abusive relationship or an addiction issue or a jacked up financial situation...as a friend, it's not your job to sit and listen to her troubles just so you can run and tell all your girl's business to everybody else and talk down about her or judge her for her mistakes. As a friend your job is to listen, offer advice and assistance in any way you can...to motivate them, inspire them and troubleshoot with them to find a better way. When you have a friend who has dreams and goals (no matter how unrealistic you think they may be) as a friend, you don't shoot those dreams and goals down or discourage her...again, your job is to motivate and inspire...and if she so happens to achieve the things she set out to do...if you feel any sense of jealousy at all instead of being proud and inspired by her accomplishment...you seriously need to re-evaluate yourself as a friend. How many times have we disliked our friend's mates??? Nothing wrong with that and you don't have to like them, but if that's who she's decided is the one for her and she's happy...even if she's not happy...it's not up to you as a friend to go outside of your friendship and say anything about that person or that relationship. As a friend, it's ok to give your opinion and even tell her that you don't like who she's with. But as a friend, you also have to respect the fact that she makes her own decisions and no matter how many times you tell somebody else that your friend is dumb or stupid for putting up with whatever it is she's putting up with...at the end of the day...it's not your battle to win (and that's a whole 'nother blog). I'm just saying all this beause as women I think we have enough "haters" and "sh*t talkers" around, that we don't need all that drama and he say/she say in our own circles. I don't care if you've known a chick forever...if she constantly displays acts of haterism...get rid of her. Tighten your circle and KNOW (don't guess, but KNOW) who your real friends are because regardless of how independent and self-serving we are...everybody needs a good friend. thanx for listening dolls!

GOALS FOR THE ROLES....

AS I WORK STEADILY ON BETTERING MYSELF, I WRITE DOWN ALOT OF PLANS AND GOALS FOR MYSELF...JUST THOUGHT I'D SHARE THIS ONE. IT MAY INSPIRE YOU :-)

mother...my goal as a mother is to do the very best I can to guide, protect, teach, nurture and provide for my child. to expose him to more than the neighborhood playground and chuck e. cheese; to make him feel comfortable coming to me with any issues that arise throughout his life no matter what they are; to make him feel supported and loved unconditionally; to give him structure and morals as he grows into a young man who will have his own roles to fulfill; i'll leave teaching him how to be a man...to the men in his life

Mo Randomness...

sooo...yeah. clearly i'm at a different place in my life right now. all the "girl gone wild" out of my system, my devotion to clubbin' and bad boys...pretty much done as well. so now comes the moment when I sit alone in my one bedroom condo with my necessary glass of moscato, my notebook and my random ass thoughts. somehow, I've always thought that by the time I reached 30 I'd have it all figured out...have my shit together....so not the case. instead I'm sitting there with a list of things I NEED to accomplish, bills I NEED to pay and a head full of missed opportunities and failed attempts at being responsible. I realize that I am all the things that in my "so incredible glory years" from 17-21, I swore I'd never be....damn.

random thoughts...

sometimes you have to just give up or let go of things that mean alot to you, in order to regroup and bring yourself back to center. when certain lines are drawn...and then crossed, it sometimes makes it impossible for things to go back to where they were when everything was so good. sometimes you need to ask yourself how much a person or a situation is worth to you...how much energy, how much sacrifice and how many pieces of yourself are you willing to lose for the sake of something that holds no promise for the future.